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Jan. 5th, 2006 09:18 pmI remembered something I hadn't last night.
When I was in Florida my Mother and I went to an Improv/Comedy club. There was a show every hour or so, and you had to wait in line for the next show if you wanted good seats. While we were waiting in line I was looking at the other people, watching the giant screen (which was showing music videos non-stop), just living in my own head essentially. And at that moment the desire to have a romantic partner hit me harder than I think it ever has. And no, it isn't about the sex, I mean especially when it comes to many men that's take-it or leave-it. No, what I wanted so badly was the intimacy of two people completely comfortable with each other on a physical (if not emotional) level. I wanted someone I could wrap my arms around, rest my chin on the top of her head and just stay in companionable silence enjoying the warmth of the other.
I had one moment like that many years back with a friend, and I do believe that is the most peaceful I have ever been awake and with people.
My friends are touchie-feelie, but I'm one of those freakish people who need to touch everything and everyone, just to assure myself that you're really there. I make many people uncomfortable but (aside from possibly three people, all of which I disliked) I can't recall being creeped by people being too close . . . unless it's too hot.
I love being hugged, it comes as a shock to the system that people would actually hug me without any prompting on my part, it sends a little thrill up my spine to think that people might actually enjoy my company and aren't worried about showing it. For instance Squid, since we've been getting closer since Sitka, has actually started to hug me at random moments or even jump on my back (he's so light I don't care so long as he doesn't knock me over), it makes me happy that he does that.
Or Kelli, yesterday I lent her my car keys to go get my CDs, today I lent her my laptop and were it anyone else at Steller (with the possible exceptions of Anthea, Squid and Andrew S.) I wouldn't have done it. I may like them but no way am I letting them just Go Off with my keys or my really pricey shiny-new computer, I'm far too possessive for that. As appreciation for how much I was trusting her she hugged my so tight my ribs squished together (lord did that feel nice).
Or Billy H. or Ernie hugging me at the oddest moments, like just walking down the hall. People, especially boys, being physically affectionate just boggles my mind, and I adore it.
I love being touched and I love touching, it's my way to express so many things that would take too long in words.
But maybe regular people are right; maybe I'm just a bubble-popping freak.
~J
When I was in Florida my Mother and I went to an Improv/Comedy club. There was a show every hour or so, and you had to wait in line for the next show if you wanted good seats. While we were waiting in line I was looking at the other people, watching the giant screen (which was showing music videos non-stop), just living in my own head essentially. And at that moment the desire to have a romantic partner hit me harder than I think it ever has. And no, it isn't about the sex, I mean especially when it comes to many men that's take-it or leave-it. No, what I wanted so badly was the intimacy of two people completely comfortable with each other on a physical (if not emotional) level. I wanted someone I could wrap my arms around, rest my chin on the top of her head and just stay in companionable silence enjoying the warmth of the other.
I had one moment like that many years back with a friend, and I do believe that is the most peaceful I have ever been awake and with people.
My friends are touchie-feelie, but I'm one of those freakish people who need to touch everything and everyone, just to assure myself that you're really there. I make many people uncomfortable but (aside from possibly three people, all of which I disliked) I can't recall being creeped by people being too close . . . unless it's too hot.
I love being hugged, it comes as a shock to the system that people would actually hug me without any prompting on my part, it sends a little thrill up my spine to think that people might actually enjoy my company and aren't worried about showing it. For instance Squid, since we've been getting closer since Sitka, has actually started to hug me at random moments or even jump on my back (he's so light I don't care so long as he doesn't knock me over), it makes me happy that he does that.
Or Kelli, yesterday I lent her my car keys to go get my CDs, today I lent her my laptop and were it anyone else at Steller (with the possible exceptions of Anthea, Squid and Andrew S.) I wouldn't have done it. I may like them but no way am I letting them just Go Off with my keys or my really pricey shiny-new computer, I'm far too possessive for that. As appreciation for how much I was trusting her she hugged my so tight my ribs squished together (lord did that feel nice).
Or Billy H. or Ernie hugging me at the oddest moments, like just walking down the hall. People, especially boys, being physically affectionate just boggles my mind, and I adore it.
I love being touched and I love touching, it's my way to express so many things that would take too long in words.
But maybe regular people are right; maybe I'm just a bubble-popping freak.
~J
