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Feb. 7th, 2005 08:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
polyhordeToday was a real downer, I was just very out of it and I'm not certain why, well, not entirely. This morning was fine, I felt a bit drained but not very ill (a little nausea that has been on/off for the past few weeks). At lunch it was very odd, I think I was experiencing a sort of subconscious burst of jealousy, now I guess I know what Erin might feel like. I've just - for the past few years I've felt like whatever pops into my head I could run off and share it with Anthea, just nod to her and whisk her away whenever I find the opportunity (so basically any time that isn't in class). I hadn't realized that I took that for granted. At lunch today Erin got there first, I hated to interrupt since I know how much I dislike it when she does that. I just felt so - odd man out, you know? it was the first time in a few months that I was seriously tempted to act out my fantasies and slam her small body into the brick lined halls of Steller (I wouldn't hurt anyone but occasionally I get these delightful images accompanied by these startling sensations of gore). It's like I'm a possessive relative, or worse a boyfriend (but without all the fun parts). Rehearsal went fine I suppose, I found it very difficult to smile though. In what I realize now was an attempt to cheer myself up I danced with (wait, let me count) yes, with every last napkin, it did hardly anything for me, which was frustrating since I was experimenting with some new moves that actually worked quite well. I don't know why I'm feeling so - broody, and internal, I only hope I snap out of it soon, otherwise I fear what relationships I have will suffer.
I need to have another V-Day party, I need giggling girls (and boys) tossing popcorn and pretzels at each other as they mock cheesy romance movies in colorful, imaginative ways. I just need a break where I can sit back and smile at the antics of my friends, I don't think I've ever realized how much I enjoy observing, but I do, I feel like the silent old uncle watching the children play in the yard as he sips his lemonade. Sharing in their fun but not in all truth and honesty.
I need more people, I need more connections, for the most part my world is centered around two people, Cody and Anthea, and though I deeply love them both that's just too small for me, too internal.
Oh, I no longer am attracted to Cody, at least - how should I say it, I can no longer find him sexually appealing without putting a great deal of effort into it, getting to know him better probably helped a bit (I realized what I was making up wasn't really him).
I worry about him, possibly even more than I worry about Jess. I could never influence Jess, I wasn't there when he took up drinking and drugs, and I never worried about the girls he dated since I had no say at all. But with Cody it feels like I do, but how can you stop someone from getting completely sloshed every weekend (and worse) when you're never there to do anything?
I may not be able to help my friends, no one every listens to my advice (except for possibly Jenny), but that knowledge doesn't stop the urge to do it anyway.
Night ~ J
I need to have another V-Day party, I need giggling girls (and boys) tossing popcorn and pretzels at each other as they mock cheesy romance movies in colorful, imaginative ways. I just need a break where I can sit back and smile at the antics of my friends, I don't think I've ever realized how much I enjoy observing, but I do, I feel like the silent old uncle watching the children play in the yard as he sips his lemonade. Sharing in their fun but not in all truth and honesty.
I need more people, I need more connections, for the most part my world is centered around two people, Cody and Anthea, and though I deeply love them both that's just too small for me, too internal.
Oh, I no longer am attracted to Cody, at least - how should I say it, I can no longer find him sexually appealing without putting a great deal of effort into it, getting to know him better probably helped a bit (I realized what I was making up wasn't really him).
I worry about him, possibly even more than I worry about Jess. I could never influence Jess, I wasn't there when he took up drinking and drugs, and I never worried about the girls he dated since I had no say at all. But with Cody it feels like I do, but how can you stop someone from getting completely sloshed every weekend (and worse) when you're never there to do anything?
I may not be able to help my friends, no one every listens to my advice (except for possibly Jenny), but that knowledge doesn't stop the urge to do it anyway.
Night ~ J
