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Aug. 15th, 2006 01:44 pmI am such a f*ck up, or at least it feels like it. Not too long ago I went with my mother to do laundry, unfortunately that day I had also arranged to hang out with Sariah, I couldn't just ditch her and I certainly couldn't ditch my Mom at the laundry mat (for one I'd feel guilty for another she'd skin me). While doing the wash Sariah was miserable and more trouble than she was worth and, oh joy of joys, one of my mother's friends who I have never liked was also there. In movies you always have mothers berating their daughters for working in dead end jobs or for being single, my Mom doesn't do that. I want to be a performer if that's possible and a teacher if it's not. My Mom's in complete support of both, as is my Dad, they both warn me that an artist's life is rarely stable and usually harsh, but they think I should try. I know this lady was only inquiring to be polite but I still felt under attack, a little, not enough to be rude but enough to be brief and to the point. She asked what I was doing with my summer (much to my chagrined the answer was "slacking" but I put it gentler than that), what I was going to study in college, that kind of thing. I felt so bad for my mother that all she has to show for her life as a stay at home Mom is me and Jeff. Jeff isn't doing too badly, he's assistant manager at the shop and he's going for another semester to become a specialized mechanic. Also a month ago, in case I didn't post it - he got engage to Katie. The ring is pretty, they did it the modern way of he asked and after she said yes he had her design her own ring so she'd be sure to love it. They haven't set a date yet but they've started designing the dress (Mom's going to make it) and at the moment their looking for a new apartment.
But what do I have to show for my life? I graduated high school with a 3.8 (I think, it might have been lower but still in the 3.0+ range). All of my friends are either a) in college ahead of me and we've lost touch b) going to college with me and I ought to be seeing them occasionally or c) [the majority] still in high school. I've never had an actual 9-5 job. I still live with my parents. I've never had a genuine romantic relationship.
I'm just frustrated and embarrassed because I kept messing up yesterday, nothing big like crashing the car or dropping a light on someone's head, instead I made a fool of myself at the beginning of the Combat workshop (I'll get to that in a minute), I annoyed my mother by not calling to tell her where I was for hours, and I was late on book when the actor's called "line" during rehearsal. It doesn't help my peace of mind that the playwright seems to hate me, the cast and the director seem pleasant for the most part (it helps that two of them are demi-friends of mine).
The Combat Workshop, it's all week from 8-12 and I'm with the beginning of the beginners group, I know all of them (there are only four of us) and part of the pain is that I like and respect the instructors so it stings a little deeper every time I screw up. I'm so out of training that during a warm up exercise I got muscle tremors that caused my whole body to twitch, either my partner ignored them or he didn't notice but I can't see how since my hands were shaking. Today, although my quads were aching with every step, was much better, nothing hurt any more than usual and I think I did a lot better over all. There's an ear scuff that I keep screwing up, I keep drawing my hand back across my chest when I ought to be pulling away and cleanly going back to the same shoulder. One way I pull off the move, the other I actually hit them (no I didn't hit her, I have more control over my body than that, but not enough that I can convince my arm it's bending the wrong way). Here's hoping tomorrow gets even better, rather than worse. Hmm . . . what else . . . I went to Temple with Justin (he's Buddhist, not Jewish) and it wasn't bad, we sat and chanted for 45 minutes (or I would have if a) I knew Thai and b) I had a book in front of me). We left once they turned off the lights and prepared to meditate, if it had been just the two of us we'd have stayed for the full hours of meditation and the Q&A after but his sister was there. I felt a bit sacrilegious because at the beginning of the service Megan (his sis) and I kept silently giggling.
Oh, I got together with Ashton, she's going to art school for the first four months of her senior year, and we went to go see My Super Ex-Girlfriend. It was very silly and predictable but adorable, and if you like Eddie Izzard an absolute must simply because he's so painfully cute my teeth hurt thinking about it. Hanging out with Ashton is always fun but a little odd simply because no subject is taboo and she has no concept of "over share". Personally I like it, it's different, but perhaps everyone at Hooters didn't need to know her current boyfriend is the best lay of the lot so far. Hooters! I love the irony, when we talked about meeting up it was for a movie and dinner (Mom thought I was going on a date) specifically dinner at some place non-American after driving around looking for Indian, French, Chinese, and Mexican cuisine she suggested Hooters, I'd never been so away we went. It wasn't that bad, the food was a little saturated and the girls weren't as drool worthy as I had thought but it was pleasant all the same. And now I had better run. Much Love ~J
But what do I have to show for my life? I graduated high school with a 3.8 (I think, it might have been lower but still in the 3.0+ range). All of my friends are either a) in college ahead of me and we've lost touch b) going to college with me and I ought to be seeing them occasionally or c) [the majority] still in high school. I've never had an actual 9-5 job. I still live with my parents. I've never had a genuine romantic relationship.
I'm just frustrated and embarrassed because I kept messing up yesterday, nothing big like crashing the car or dropping a light on someone's head, instead I made a fool of myself at the beginning of the Combat workshop (I'll get to that in a minute), I annoyed my mother by not calling to tell her where I was for hours, and I was late on book when the actor's called "line" during rehearsal. It doesn't help my peace of mind that the playwright seems to hate me, the cast and the director seem pleasant for the most part (it helps that two of them are demi-friends of mine).
The Combat Workshop, it's all week from 8-12 and I'm with the beginning of the beginners group, I know all of them (there are only four of us) and part of the pain is that I like and respect the instructors so it stings a little deeper every time I screw up. I'm so out of training that during a warm up exercise I got muscle tremors that caused my whole body to twitch, either my partner ignored them or he didn't notice but I can't see how since my hands were shaking. Today, although my quads were aching with every step, was much better, nothing hurt any more than usual and I think I did a lot better over all. There's an ear scuff that I keep screwing up, I keep drawing my hand back across my chest when I ought to be pulling away and cleanly going back to the same shoulder. One way I pull off the move, the other I actually hit them (no I didn't hit her, I have more control over my body than that, but not enough that I can convince my arm it's bending the wrong way). Here's hoping tomorrow gets even better, rather than worse. Hmm . . . what else . . . I went to Temple with Justin (he's Buddhist, not Jewish) and it wasn't bad, we sat and chanted for 45 minutes (or I would have if a) I knew Thai and b) I had a book in front of me). We left once they turned off the lights and prepared to meditate, if it had been just the two of us we'd have stayed for the full hours of meditation and the Q&A after but his sister was there. I felt a bit sacrilegious because at the beginning of the service Megan (his sis) and I kept silently giggling.
Oh, I got together with Ashton, she's going to art school for the first four months of her senior year, and we went to go see My Super Ex-Girlfriend. It was very silly and predictable but adorable, and if you like Eddie Izzard an absolute must simply because he's so painfully cute my teeth hurt thinking about it. Hanging out with Ashton is always fun but a little odd simply because no subject is taboo and she has no concept of "over share". Personally I like it, it's different, but perhaps everyone at Hooters didn't need to know her current boyfriend is the best lay of the lot so far. Hooters! I love the irony, when we talked about meeting up it was for a movie and dinner (Mom thought I was going on a date) specifically dinner at some place non-American after driving around looking for Indian, French, Chinese, and Mexican cuisine she suggested Hooters, I'd never been so away we went. It wasn't that bad, the food was a little saturated and the girls weren't as drool worthy as I had thought but it was pleasant all the same. And now I had better run. Much Love ~J
