Today went well, I slept in, went to rehearsal - didn't do very much there since I'm not really the power tool type but I did a little sewing. Ok, screw that, let's get to what buzzing about my head. I've been teching at West all week, right? Brian, nice guy, talked about him in my last entry. We've been getting to know each other, like the very basic things you go through before you become friends with someone. I mean I don't even know what type of music he listens or what movies he likes, all I know is he likes the arts,he's touchie-feelie like me, he's kind, sweet, considerate, a good listener (we occasionally run into the problem that neither of us wants to talk since we're both used to listening to others), awkward in a really cute kinda way . . . anyway back to the point. So all week we've been talking, just the usual randomness nothing major, and because I want to know him better I invited him to see Wallace and Gromit (his reaction was a little confusing since he was so enthusiastic about it). So this was Friday. After the actors all went home the techies stayed to work, Ellie and I were down stairs sewing clasps on varying things, Brian joins us and it's just sitting around, talking, you know, the usual. The next morning (today) I got to sleep in and go to rehearsal at 12 instead of 10 (ah, the benifits of being in tech). As I said earlier it was a pretty slow day but at the beginning when I first got there the actors were still hanging around and I got to say hello to him (my buzzer went off a little when he asked me what I'd done that day, who asks that? It was only noon, what could I have done? Saved the Earth?). After the actors were dismissed he actually came back to help us poor techs (little odd but he's usually a techie so I didn't think much of it). We stayed until after almost everyone had left and then we went out to our cars, we hugged goodbye but it was an odd hug because instead of the usual grip and release he wrapped his arms around my waist and I put my arms around his neck. We stood like that for awhile just kind of looking at each other. "Bye, see you in like, what an hour?" "Yeah, an hour." (I guess I looked at him oddly since he said) "Well, I'm just saying, an hour." We stood there a little longer "Hun, I'm sorry but you gotta let me go so I can go meet my parents and get money." "Yeah." "Bye" "Bye." Then we got into our cars and left.
Shortly after that I called Milo all in a tizzy asking for advice, since I thought he might like me but I wasn't certain, so what should I do? That kind of thing. She said to take it easy, slow, get to know him better and let him make the first move, if in a week or two he'd done nothing and that weird feeling was still there than I could ask him if something was up or not. She calmed me down and I went to the movie. My folks got there the same time as I did so I met up with them in the lobby and they got my ticket for me. "Jess." "Hey Brian." "Hey, I've got your ticket for you." "Aw, really? Mom, wait a second . . ." But it was too late she'd already gotten me a ticket. "Oops" "No biggie" "Yeah, give it to Ellie, I think she'll need one." "Yeah." So he waited there (after I introduced him to my mother) and I waited with him for awhile but I couldn't think of anything to say without sounding like a total spaz so I decided to go save us all seats. The movie was good but I wasn't paying much attention since when the intro started rolling he offered me his hand (which I took, of course) and we spent the rest of the movie leaning up against each other (my radar was pinging but I've done that with plenty of friends before, heck I've done that with my Mom, some theaters are freaking cold!). Afterward everyone went home in stages leaving Logan, Brian and I alone to talk awkwardly for a few minutes before we saw Logan bike off and I walked Brian to his car ("Which ways you're car" "That way. Which ways yours?" I pointed to the opposite direction we were walking in. "You gonna walk me to my car? I was gonna walk you to yours." "To heck with that, I'm the boy, babe.")So we walked to his van, made some awkward conversation and then I hugged him good bye, but it was that odd hug again, where my hands were around his neck and his were on my waist. We just sort of stood there for awhile, neither letting go, just staring at each other. "My nose is cold" "Oh I'm sorry" I put my hand over it but he buried his head in my neck and I rested my head on his shoulder. "Do you feel the cold?" "Well, yeah, I am human you know." "Well, no, I mean, are you cold now?" "Not really, well my fingers are but otherwise I'm fine." I smiled at him. And the he kissed me, this quick little peck on the lips, I didn't even have enough time to respond, or decide if I wanted to. "Oh. That was surprising even though I kinda expected it." "Really?" (but more like because I was surprised rather than the fact that I'd been expecting it) I buried my face in his chest and sort of mumbled "Oh, this is embarrassing but that was my first kiss." "Really?" I kissed him on the cheek. "Ok, we'll talk about this on Monday, ok?" "Sure." "And that's the last kiss you're gonna get until we get a date. But that doesn't mean I can't kiss you." I kissed him on the cheek again and then proceeded to run away after a hasty "Bye. Be safe. See ya Monday."
As soon as I got into my car (shaking and more confused than ever) I proceeded to call Anthea who laughed at how stressed out I sounded and told me to 'go with it'. Next I called Milo and opened our talks with "Milo, your advice isn't worth Shit!" "What?" "He kissed me!" "What?!" "He KISSED me!" "Damn, well, there's an answer for you." "Thank you so freaking much." She told me to work out what I wanted and to play hard to get, make him work for it a little more, see whether he was looking for a fun time or something more serious, plus now she wants to meet him and 'see that he'll take care of my Jessie' - oh joy. Then I called Sierra how gave me a whole new level to my already screech worthy anxiety. "Just act cool ok. Try to work out whether he likes you or whether it was just a flirty kiss without anything really behind it." "What, you mean this might not mean anything?" " I don't know. Just relax, ok, take it easy. Now what you have to do is hang out with him more, invite him to go see a movie and during it sorta lean against him and if he doesn't reject that you can lean a little more and-" "Hun, we're kinda beyond that. I already asked him to a movie and we hung all over each other, but I do that with lots of people." "Ugh, hmmm, true. In which case I don't really know, just try to act normal, don't be clingy, guys hate clingy." Finally I called Ellie (of my friends she is the closest to Brian so I was kinda worried about letting her know in case she'd be upset). I asked her if she thought it was just a kiss to show affection or if it meant he liked me, she said it might have been affection but that he wasn't usually the sort of person to do that and she said if I decided how I felt I ought to go for it. I'll see him on Monday at rehearsal so we can talk about it then. Oof, please, oh god, please don't let this end badly no matter how it goes from here don't let either of us be hurt more than we can heal or so badly that we're no longer friends, please, oh please, oh please.