Sep. 11th, 2007 08:10 am
polyhorde: (Default)
Ok, last night when I was out of my mind and nothing would calm me down (told you it'd be gone by morning) I did the only thing I thought could work - I talked to Darren.
He listened to me cry and tell him 'I'm sick and tired of just living here, I want this place to be home. A place where my friends and family feel comfortable coming to visit me. I want to live where the people care about me.'
D: Oh, we don't care, huh? Is that why I'm standing here listening to you cry rather than laughing in your face and walking away? Jess, your problem is that you have an uncanny way of saying the wrong thing and at the wrong time. I don't care if you need a night with your boyfriend, hell, I'd be fine with several nights. But ask, don't tell me 'to make myself scarce'. You say the wrong thing and it just really annoys the hell out of me.
Now as for Dave, there are certain things about you two that I don't like and they aren't going away, but that's just my thing, I actually think you two are a pretty good match. But you have to understand, even though I don't want to be here underfoot I don't really have anyplace to go.
J: Well, what about friends? Can't you go hang out with them?
D: What friends? There's a reason why I'm here all the time. All I have is Zach and John as my two close friends, everyone else is acquaintances.
J: (thinks about the other Gamers, theater people, fellow employees) Well . . . then you've just gotta go out and meet people. I make friends in class or by random chance I start up a conversation with a stranger and get their number.
D: Huh, must be nice.
- - - -
So, yeah. I'm a douche, and by the feel of it a bipolar douche. There is a part of my brain that is desperately starting to worry that the crazy in my family skipped my Mom and hit me. I keep over-reacting. I have no idea why I started crying last night, no f*cking clue, even at the time I kept trying to think of reasons why, what I came up with was just long standing frustration. So who knows.
I really, really hope I'm not going crazy. In the past few months, ever since I got on my birth control I've started randomly crying a few days before my period starts. Just the once per month and even then it's very pretty tears, my face doesn't scrunch up. The first time it happened I scared Dave, the next time it got me a day off from the play.
How does that phrase go? If you think you're crazy you aren't. God I hope that's true. My grandmother is insane and has driven all of her children away from her, including the illegitimate ones. I don't want to be her, I don't want my kids to disown me and their children to think of me as "the woman who makes Mommy cry".
Please don't let me be going crazy, that would be . . . indescribably bad. ~J


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