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[Error: unknown template qotd] Oo, there are some fabulously entertaining commercials out there but my favorite at the moment is Discovery Channel's spots with people from all their big shows singing part of a verse of "I love the world" or whatever that children's song is called. (YouTube "Discovery: I Love The World")
And my least favorite is one where all three children are booked solid with karate, dance lessons, soccer, study sessions, etc. The mom makes some comment about how busy they all are and how she never sees them and this cute little 6 year old says "I can pencil you in for 15 minutes at 5 o'clock Mom". The part that makes this terrible is that it's a commercial for a television company, encouraging parents and kids to give up active lifestyles and come together for a little bonding over popcorn and South Park.


May. 23rd, 2008 12:48 pm
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Grrrrrr!!!! Argh!!!
*deep breath* Fucking EAFB. I was trying to get a patient's MRI results which they had neglected to send over before their appointment this afternoon. The patient and his/her family were very nice and came 30 minutes early for paper work. Everything was dandy until I called the referral service at Elmandorf, I was on hold for 15 minutes . . . the first time I called. I decided I'd been lost in the ether since at this point I had yet to speak to a human, just a bunch of machines telling me what button to push that could possibly lead me to another biped, I hung up and tried again. And was put on hold again, this time I was only on for 10 minutes until Mom accidentally hung up my line.
At this point we tried to get some of their records off the net by way of Providence, we still wouldn't be able to get the MRI results but maybe we could find an admitting note. ER notes found I hit print, and was promptly met with a frozen printer. . . this has happened before, the solution? I saved and backed up everything I was working on, while still listening to that eternal beeping, and restarted the comp.; which promptly froze for another three minutes when it came back up and I tried to manually shut it off by jamming the power button with increasing degrees of force, only to have Mom come over, punch a different button, and have it instantly whir to life. The printer started printing, all was right with the world, except I was still on hold and the patient's kids were getting loud in the waiting room (the older brother - approx. 5yr - was tricking his 2 year old sister to run into walls).
Fed up and starting to cultivate my daily headache I hung up decided to listen to EAFB's menu options one more time just to double check and make sure there wasn't some remark about them taking Friday off for the holiday. I dialed . . . it rang . . . and a recorded woman's soothing voice pumped over the speaker phone saying "the referral service line is currently disabled, please dial the operator for further assistance. Thank you and have a good day. *click*".
Ahhhhh!!!!!! A grand total of almost 50 minutes on hold.
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I wish I was the perfect employee, who is always 10 minutes early, who does what is asked and then some, who puts people at their ease and knows how to handle any situation.
I wish I was the perfect student, the girl who is always cheerful, who does her homework and does it well, who enjoys the subject and asks poignant questions, who the professors enjoy teaching and who always excels.
I wish I was the perfect friend, who is always ready to cheer you up, to have fun, or to be a shoulder when you need one, someone who offers just the right advice and makes you smile just being around them.
I wish I was the perfect girlfriend, the one who knows precisely when to cuddle and when they need their space, who knows what to say that will soothe their worries or make them laugh, who knows when to say 'yes' and and 'you're right dear", who doesn't spend money on frivolous things, who is always loving and giving and doesn't demand anything in return.
I wish I was the perfect sister, the one who never gets into petty arguments, who's actually friends with her brother, who listens and offers advice, and is always willing to help.
I wish I was the perfect daughter, the one who works hard and doesn't slack off, the one who doesn't cost you money for their stupid mistakes, the one who's sweet to her brother, and who's always ready with a card or a present on your birthday, who does well in school in a subject that will take them far in life, who is loyal and lovely and whom you could be friends with, who has the perfect choice in spouses so you never have to worry, and of whom you can be proud of.
I wish I didn't make my mother cry.


May. 13th, 2008 05:07 pm
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It's quite odd to think that the skill set that comes easiest, the one I am most comfortable with and typically derive the most overall enjoyment from is the same skills required by mothers. I like to think I'd be a good mother - I'm loving, tender, patient, calm in a crisis, relatively organized, playful, a good storyteller, a good listener, a good cook. I've been a teacher an surrogate mother to my friends since middle school. Most people use me as an advice columnist and I'm more than happy to help . . .
Why is it that at twenty I'm thinking about babies? I have no career future, I'm unmarried and likely to remain so, I'm barely more than a child myself but still I want . . . . .
It would be a nightmare that would utterly absorb my life for 20 years at least. I'll be exhausted, irritable, aching, I'll grow resentful and bitter, and hate my life and wish I had done something with it before giving it up to these screaming hellions.
But then I think about first steps, first laugh, first word. Watching dreadful school plays and applauding madly at the end. Helping build science fair projects. Sewing Halloween costumes and holding hands as we go knock on doors. Teaching them to bake cookies and Macaroni and Cheese. Watching then hide behind me the first time they meet a 6 foot tall rat (Mickey Mouse). Watching my mother coo over them while my dad joshes my husband. Playfully grilling the first boy who comes to pick her up for a date.
*sigh* Too young, just too young.


May. 9th, 2008 11:51 am
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So Mom and I took my stitches out today at lunch, it took forever to get the little scissors under the thread. We used the forceps to lift the knot which stung exactly like plucking your eyebrows. I now have a scab well on the way to scar-hood. I can't decide if it looks like a wonky 'J' or like a gnome bit me, it looks like a tiny human bite . . . kinda. The irritating part is I can just barely bend my finger and I'm trying to relearn how to type using my left index, it's like miniature physical therapy. If I keep working on it, but taking it slow enough I don't tear anything, everything should be back up to snuff in a month or so.

For those who like gore I'll see if Dave can't post the pics of the stitches and the new scar (he got to the ER late so no mid-stitch shot, sorry).
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Years ago, back in my early high school years, I would listen to my male friends complain about their girlfriends. Specifically the things they would do or the games they would play that just left the boys tied-up in knots and uncertain what they were doing wrong. I didn't get it any better than they did, I thought the girls were being petty, stupid, childish and looking to get dumped for pulling stunts like that rather than sitting their boyfriends down and telling them what was up and how to go about fixing the problem. I swore I wouldn't ever behave that way, I was certain my thought process was to masculine to get that muddled.
Yeah, this weekend that fell through. In my defense as soon as I realized what I was doing I tried to stop, and for the most part I succeeded. Starting Friday nothing could please me: I looked drab despite the make up I had on, I did a mediocre job and was easily surpassed in talent by the other singers at the Cabaret, I was too fat to be pretty . . . on and on and on and on, thought like that just kept repeating and it made me irritable and insecure and just miserable. Our plans for the weekend didn't improve my mood.
On Saturday we went to go see Iron Man (the highlight of my day) and then didn't have time for lunch, or to go any where because we had to run off to Dave's friend's husband's retirement ceremony. We got lost and were stressing and it was actually scheduled for Sunday.
In an attempt to salvage my mood Dave drove us down to Bird Point (I had hoped to go walking around Valley of the Moon and enjoy the sunshine strolling and holding hands) it would have been lovely had it not been for the ridiculous amount of wind that almost bowled me over and went right through my sweater.
We went back to Anchorage and the bad weather followed so there was no chance of my lovely, lazy afternoon. It wasn't all bad, we went home and cuddled on the couch and watched Shrek, then I dropped him off at Coots so he could go to Charlotte's going away party while I killed time reading graphic novels at Barnes and Nobles.
I was determined to be unhappy and bitter about being left out. I was acting like a child and it irritated me.
Sunday things were better, we went to Brian's retirement. I was just as awkward and uncomfortable as I expected to be. Not only was I surrounded by people 10-20 years my seniors, all military, but the only youth I could have amused myself with has barely spoken ten words to me the two times I've met her. So I spent the entire hour and a half closely inspecting the murals, hiding behind Dave in an attempt at mingling, or buried deep in my book pretending I wasn't there.
I can be perfectly comfortable around 15-30 year olds, or small groups of 1-70 year olds but I'm so painfully shy around people where I am not the norm, either in age, experience, or personality.
Sunday was better all around, as Dave put it "you changed your tune. Yesterday it was 'I hate you, get away from me', I like today's tune much better" "Love you too, Panda." I was able to articulate what had been bothering me the days before and with some frame of reference and perspective neither of us were as temperamental as we were before - much more me than him, of course.
I just need to chill, life is stressful enough without adding drama.
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1) Tonight's cabaret went extremely well, we sold out and 95% of the singers were just lovely.
2) Finals are over and here's hoping I didn't fail anything.
3) I got cast in my first major role. I'm playing Helen in "Fat Pig", a play being produced by Theatre on the Rocks and opening the last weekend of August. I'm looking forward to it but I'm nervous as hell, the character is so similar to me it's genuinely creepy. And I'm not sure yet how comfy I'll be eating sushi (which usually makes me gag) and making out on stage with someone who is currently an acquaintance. Rehearsals don't start until mid-July so I'll stress about it then.
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I've never been stung by a bee.
I've never broken a bone.
I've never had a concussion.
I've never had to go to the emergency room.
I've never needed stitches.

So at the moment I'm trying to ignore the pins-and-needles feeling in my left index finger (something rather difficult to do, especially since its wrapped in gauze 3/4 of an inch thick). Like a true student I put off my "Experimental Archeology Project" until the last possible second. I was carving a Venus figurine out of a piece of wood with a dull knife. For those unfamiliar with the circumstances I'll simplify things:

Rushed student(whose inexperienced at whittling) + Dull knife = BAD

I cut myself right across the knuckle and, for fear of serious damage, opted to have Nick drive me to Regional. Dad was at the office so he met me at the ER, after the necessary paper work and a fairly short wait I was seen by three very kind nurses and one MD. The loaded me up with a local (that stung like a bitch); waited about 15 minutes and stitched me up. Dave showed up just in time to hold my hand. Four stitches, I've got two on Dave. Ha!
Oddly, I was in a terrible mood all day, the final for auditions did not go nearly as well as I had hoped and I couldn't stop crying - I honestly don't know why. But as soon as I had stopped chanting "OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! NICK HELP!" and calmed down I did nothing but joke until I was released. I kept myself laughing, if no one else. That seems to be how I am when someone is injured or sick, if you aren't near imminent death or recovering from open-heart then you ought to be laughing. Better than crying anyway.


Apr. 17th, 2008 08:39 am
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I used to love to sleep-in, I wasn't a pro like my brother or Dave but I still got scolded by my mother a time or two for sleeping till noon. For the past several months I haven't been able to enjoy it even if I can sleep for that long. I keep having nightmares, well, kinda.
It's more like living a horror movie, if I were watching them on a TV rather than in my mind I'd think they were pretty good as far as horror movies go. They could use a little work on the plot at times but the special effects are phenomenal. I just wish they didn't make me wake up short of breath and with my heart pounding, and that they didn't cling to me for half an hour after I do manage to wake myself up. On the other hand now I know how Tim Burton got his start.

Side Note: I saw an episode of 'The Little Mermaid' with a mermaid who was deaf, just like Ariel has Flounder she had an octopus who translated for her. I thought it was awesome, especially since their animation was spot on. I feel like being educational and evil so I recorded the episode and I'm gonna make Dave watch it.


Apr. 9th, 2008 12:21 pm
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You gotta love rumormongers. Dave, and oddly my brother, have both worked with a guy named Tony. Tony just stopped by to pick up a laptop Dave was renovating. As soon as he realized I was the one at home he had to ask "I was wondering, are you and Dave -- I mean the last time I was here I saw a copy of Alaska Bride and . . ." Apparently he's been telling mutual acquaintances of Dave that he's getting hitched to a twenty year old. I'm not sure whether to be amused or annoyed. Mainly I'm happy he's out of the house, geez but that man can talk.
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My brother is getting married in almost two months to the day. For the better part of a year it seems I've been surrounded by weddings, potential god children/nieces/nephews, commitment of practically every flavor. I have been to three weddings, witnessed four marriages and one re-commitment that ended in divorce. Seen something go from a vague bump to a giggling, burping thing bouncing on my knee.
Thankfully this bout of marriage and fertility has not inspired me to rush out and follow suit. However I have been discussing parenting, weddings, baby names, etc. with Dave. He hasn't seemed to mind, probably because we've already spoken about when it would be if it were to happen; he's adamant that he will not marry someone under twenty-five, so we have five years to think it over.
Huh, who would think this would be the first time the age difference has given me pause. My parents are eleven years apart, they married when my Mom was twenty-two and she had my brother at twenty-four. Today I told her about Dave and I waiting five years, if we do it at all, and how I had always planned to wait at least a year after the wedding to have kids to get settled into married life. If we follow that time-line Dave'll be forty when we have our first child. I can't really complain, my father was that age when I was born, but I don't know if it was his age or just my Dad's nature (probably the latter) but we never really did much together - I worry that neither Dave or I will have the energy. Five years, I've got at least that long to think it over.
It's a while away but I bet it'll feel like nothing.


Apr. 1st, 2008 09:17 pm
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Cara: Friend/Beloved
Linnea/Linnaea: Linnaea flower
Dalila: Gentle; Tender of spirit
Belle: Beautiful

Aedan: Little Fire
Jason: Healer

Frodo: Wise by experience
Faramir: Sufficient jewel



Mar. 11th, 2008 12:05 pm
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Welcome to Spring Break! (kinda)
My mother has me working at the office, I have more homework due Monday than I care to think about, my boyfriend is gone all week for work, and I'm either having a particularly nasty reaction to new meds (stomach cramps that almost made me pass out over the weekend) or else exceptionally coincidental timing on a tummy bug courtesy of Nick.
So far life is going okay. Dave and I haven't killed each other yet, we've been living together a month now. This weekend we discovered a new trick to keep us from going insane. The biggest source of contention between us is that he's an introvert, while I am decidedly not. I've never been diagnosed with ADD but from his descriptions I wouldn't be surprised if I had a mild form of it. He copes with his brain by shutting it off; sitting down with a computer for hours, reading random threads, and letting it drink up as much useless trivia as it wants from the ether. I don't have his endurance and I can't stand to be on my laptop for more than two hours at a time. If I sit still with nothing to do for too long all hell breaks loose and I can't control where my mind takes me (usually I end up at the dark-abyss-y end of a self-psychoanalysis spiral that is dripping with snot and tears and with no end in sight). This weekend when things went that way (thanks meds) we both came to an understanding. From now on when he wants a day of doing absolutely nothing, and I can't stand to stay still that long, he's going to give me $20, a kiss goodbye and ship me off to the movies. He can recuperate at home uninterrupted and I can veg out in a dark theater with a mega-gulp and popcorn.
(I've tried watching movies at home but unless we're snuggling on the couch I get restless, there must be something better I can do with my time - make dinner, do the dishes, etc. At the theater sitting and zonking out is what you came there to do, there's nothing else to stress about)
What else?
Umm, I had a perfectly lovely day last Tuesday. I got a 'callback' in my auditions class (we did a mock audition and he filled out sheets grading 1-5 on monologue selection/contrast, performance, appearance, charisma/congeniality, and interview. I got 5/5 on selection, and 4/5 on everything else. Plus at the bottom is said 'Callback: Yes _ No__') ^.^ Followed by an A- on my Western Civ. 2 mid-term. And, last but certainly not least, Dave finally found (and won) my camera. I am the proud owner of a slightly used (but remarkably well looked after) Nikon D200. Yes, let's hear it for professional quality, and its all mine Baby! Now all I need are a few lenses of my own (we're currently sharing the handful he has but it would be nice to get a macro lens for me since he has no interest in it).
Ack, gotta run, more later. ~J


Jan. 16th, 2008 11:14 pm
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Dear Self,
Please stop freaking out your boyfriend by crying all the time. You are allotted one "cry-on DWAP's-shoulder" a month, and only one.
Get yourself under control. One psych/hormonal break down a month is tolerable, more if you're alone and being a pansy, but once a week is completely unacceptable ! It upsets him terribly, he might not cry but you're adding to his already sizable worries and it is your duty, nay, privilege as AFT to lighten his heart - not add to it.
Stiffen that spine, raise that chin and 'cowboy up'.

The Evil Catholic Nun portion of your brain


Dec. 27th, 2007 08:31 pm
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Ok, since the trip is almost over I've forgotten a bunch of the little details but I'll try my darndest to get a bunch, however for a more complete view visit Dave's lj - [livejournal.com profile] crisavec

Day 1 - Traveling to Disney
We left on a "not as last as it could have been but still pretty damn late for a three hour flight" at a little before 11pm. The plane was not only heavily booked it was sold out. Since Dave is an MVP (from all of his flights this past spring for work) we loaded early. For half an hour I sat in seat B hoping that no one would be sitting in either A and/or C (Dave was seated in the middle seat in front of me). I wasn't able to end up sitting with Dave like I had hoped but I did get the window seat since the two men you sat next to me were especially nice so at least I managed to sleep a little along the way. We had a three hour layover in Seattle. I went to sleep at the gate with Dave reading his palm pilot, I woke up surrounded by people with Dave snoring loudly next to me. [I don't know whether it was because it was 6am, I was tired and hadn't eaten or whether it was truly that fantastic but I got a Chicken Ceaser Salad sandwich from The Great American Bagel Bakery and I ate it so enthusiastically I accidentally took a bit of the wrapper with the first bite. We Need one!
The second flight was fine, I vaguely remember snuggling against Dave the whole way to Cali. We got a shuttle (the drive was interesting, the driver was was quizzing us on random Americana, especially ironic given his rather thick accent, and most of us were stumped- How many states start with the same letter at their capitol? How many towns are named after US presidents? Where is the one place the US flag has never been lowered - I got this one - the moon.) The hotel let us check in early and I took a shower while Dave passed out for a nap and growled at me when I poked him awake.
We took the shuttle and immediately headed to Disney's California Adventure park, specifically to Tower of Terror. It's a little different than at DisneyWorld but still very- Ack! I lost track of the time. Dave wants to wake up at the absurdly early time of 6 AM to go to the coast so I had better go to bed now if I have any hope of showering in the morning. I'll write more when I can. *hugs* ~J
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Continuing the Saga - First Date: I literally spent the whole day waiting and primping for the date. It was going to be the first one I actually had time to get ready and dress up (for Brian we didn't have a 'date' until we'd kinda sorta been together a week, with Sariah I had asked her out for Friday but got together for a spontaneous first date the Wednesday night before). I went shopping and got a LBD (Little Black Dress) which must have looked cute because when I asked Zach's opinion he said "This is for Dave? He's gonna jump ya."
I took an hour soaking in the shower and gargled half a bottle of mouth wash, then ran to meet my friend Leilani who did my make-up (it was a little more obvious than my typical wear but my eyes looked gorgeous if I do say so myself). So, all prettified and giggly I waited for him to pick me up - I thought it was quite odd that until he was ten minutes late I hadn't once had the fear that he would stand me up. He showed up almost half an hour late but he looked so cute and happy to see me I didn't mind two seconds after I opened the door. (I try and be a 'good girl', since I hadn't succeeded in waiting the three dates before the first kiss with anyone else I was determined to do so with Dave - yeah, that kinda fell apart as soon as I got my coat on. I swear I was going for a cheek, a cute little peck hello, except he turned at the last second and . . . yeah, I pinned him to the wall before we got out the door, but I swear it wasn't my intention.
We went out to dinner (Chilli's - which I found nice and ironic since that's where my parents had their first date) the food was good and we split the dessert. I was twitter-patted, he was endearing trying to think of things to talk about as he had "engineer's blight; we have ten stories and then we can't think of anything to say, so we just tell 'em again". After dinner it was still far to early to go home so we went to the Point. It was lovely and the only other time I had ever been it had been too dark to see. We walked along the beach arm-in-arm talking about our childhoods and random other snippets we thought the other might find interesting. It was windy and given my skirt and heels the beach might not have been the best choice but I loved it all the same, especially when he held me to keep me warm.
It was almost 10 by this time and we couldn't stand to say goodnight so he drove us up to Flatop. It was gorgeous, I'd never been up there at night before (I have a thing for light- stars, fire, Christmas lights, just about anything) and I was dazzled by the view. We chatted and flirted shamelessly until almost midnight, then [Omit detail- that is just for us to know].
I got home a little after 1am, he kissed me goodnight and then I ran to my room to squeal my happiness into my pillow. ~J


Nov. 21st, 2007 10:08 am
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Family: I very rarely see them, which is making me kinda homesick. I catch up with my parents Tues., Thurs., and Friday when I have a break between classes but they're always busy working so it isn't the same. We are having Thanksgiving together so hopefully that'll be something. The only unfortunate thing about that is some of Katie's family might be joining us, understandable since we're having dinner at her place and she can invite whoever she wants but this will make the dinner a little strained. Mom's really good about covering her opinion (Dad even more so - he could despise you until the day you died and you'd go to your grave thinking he enjoyed your talks together) but she has low opinions of her family so no matter which parent she invited things are going to be a little uncomfortable. But then again what's a family gather without anger, resentment, and a few uncomfortable silences. On the plus side I will have Dave with me, it's kinda cruel to introduce him to my family this way but he can get me back next month.

Next month Dave and I are taking a trip, first stop is Disneyland (courtesy of my parents - best Christmas/Birthday gift ever!) for a few days and then we're going to Oregon to spend a week with his family for Christmas, I've met his parents but this will be the first time so much as talking with his siblings and grandparents. I'm rather worried, his father seemed to like me and his mother didn't seem too appalled but I'm worried I won't measure up for everyone else. Silly. Technically I didn't get an invite, as Katie said Miss Manners would have had a heart attack if she knew, I invited myself . . . well kinda. (Mom: So what's Dave doing for Christmas? Me: He's going to Oregon to visit his grandparents, you know, the whole family get-together thing. Mom: Good for him, is he taking you with him? Me: Nah. Which means *sarcastic sniffle* I'm gonna be alone for Christmas. *laughs* But we're doing something right? Mom: Hmmm, tell him if its a matter of paying for the ticket we have plenty of miles your father and I aren't using. Me: Uh, ok, I guess I can ask.) In other words I invited myself to Christmas because my Mom had pity on me and was willing to pay for me to go. A part of me kinda hoped he'd say no, I'd have been dreadfully disappointed but it's his family so what business do I have to barge in and demand a place to sleep, however he doesn't seem to mind and I'm excited about going, I've never had a big family Christmas. Living in Alaska makes those harder to organize, and even then Dad was never close to his family (and with the exception of his nephew all of his immediate family have now passed) and my Mother has disowned my grandmother (if every phone call was a mind fuck that left you crying for three hours you'd break off contact too) and as with my Dad all of my other step/grandparents have passed as well, I have a few cousins and aunts/uncle on that side that we hear from once or twice a year. Pity. Hopefully Jeff and I will be better about that, and we will until Mom and Dad pass but after that I have a feeling we'll loose touch.

Anyway, things with Dave are going well. I keep freaking him out with my random shifts in hormone levels but otherwise it works. My roomies keep talking about renting out my room as a hostel and they say "Jessie's come to visit!" when I open the door, I guess that's what I get for spending one night here this week, usually I spend four here and three at Dave's but since it's Thanksgiving/My Birthday the plan is Wed-Mon. Dave really is good for me, and for the most part I think I get him. I just need to find something to distract myself with when he starts working, on a mental level I totally get needing to work but tell that to my child side who demands as much attention from everyone as possible. Someday I hope to gag and bind that impulse.

I'm throwing a party for my birthday, honestly I think it'll be a disaster since I'm not really that close to anyone any more, but I would like to spend time with my friends again, over the summer I saw Caiti, Isaac, and very briefly Cecilia and her boyfriend Russell. With those exceptions I didn't see anyone other than my family and Dave from July - September when school started. (I'm sure that's an exaggeration but I can't recall anything else other than Caiti's B-day on the 3rd of July that had other people there).

I'm growing less pleased with my living situation. Zach and Alli are in their own world most of the time so I don't worry about them, Darren seems much happier since he's been getting closer with "The Admired One" (he's been in love with the same girl for the better part of five years, through three boyfriends and one fiance fiasco) they went out on a date last night and she invited him to her family's for Thanksgiving but as of this Tuesday she's leaving for Brazil for three months. I wish him the best of luck since he really is a more pleasant person when he's around/ recently around her. The only one I'm having trouble tolerating is Charles. He's been sleeping on the couch since October 12th, he's waiting in Anchorage to hear about job opportunities in Japan - he wants to be an English Language teacher there. He's been getting promising responses but nothing concrete. Originally he said if he was still waiting to hear back after a week he'd look for somewhere else to crash. Now that's it's been over a month he's officially going to start paying rent on Dec. 5th. I want him out, he annoys the hell out of me with his constant chatter about things I can't even fake an interest in and his coughing and hacking and nose blowing at three in the morning keeps waking me up. Unfortunately he's not my guest, ergo with the vote three to one, four to one if you count Charles I have no say in if he stays or not. *sigh* I'm sure he's not really that bad, I'm just blowing things out of proportion. At least dear god I hope so.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Let's hear it for turning twenty and no longer being a teenager!
I've gotta run *huggles and snugs* ~J


Sep. 25th, 2007 12:02 pm
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School: Busy but well, I'm taking 20 credits and working my ass off. But I have so much homework to catch up on it's ridiculous. Thankfully most of my classes are the hands-on variety so not very much paperwork involved.

Living Arrangements: Things are going well, as of next week Alli will be officially paying rent and living with us. Chi and Moto (Zach and Alli's cats) are slowly but surely seeming to adjust, they still want to kill each other but their quieter about it now. I never see Zach, Alli I see somewhat more often, and since as last I knew Darren was still jobless I see him all the time. They're always commenting on whether I still live there since they never see me. I can't remember the last Friday night I slept at the apartment. To be honest I kinda like it that way.

Family: My brother seems to be doing well, he has a new job at a different shop earing $26-28/hour depending on how many hours a week he works. He and Katie seem to be having troubles, but I'm getting that from Milo so I don't know how valid it is - I know they don't spend enough time together but apparently my brother is a full fledge functioning alcoholic, given how those run in the family he's starting to worry me. I hope everything turns out but given how they complain about and to each other I don't see how they can do anything but make each other miserable.
Mom and Dad are having financial troubles as always, I'd say I hoped they worked their way out of it but I have to realistic and say that won't happen. Sadly we've had to put another family friend in the ground, last time was Linda -I missed the funeral because of class, this time it was Barbara and Jeff missed it because of work so at least most of the family made it to each. I don't know how Mom can be taking it so well, she was actually part of the funeral for Barbara and she was there when Linda officially passed. Too many people have been dying, this our fifth this year alone.

Friends: I still see plenty of Caiti and Isaac but with the exception of Chris who makes an effort to hang out with me I haven't seen most of my friends in ages. I miss them but life is so busy that I haven't really had the drive to do anything to fix that.

Dave: Things are good, and looking to remain so for quite sometime. I'm very high maintenance and I worry too much but I'm trying to get over that, he gives me cuddles when I need them and he's put up with my insanity better than almost anyone else I've ever known- he actually finds my random gurglings 'cute' I have no idea who brainwashed him before I found him but if I knew I'd send them flowers.
Last weekend we went on a day trip to Denali and this weekend we made a monster trip up to Fairbanks and Chen Hot Springs (If I have time I'll write a post about just that). It was lovely, and other than bad luck with beds I couldn't have asked for it to have gone better.

Other random stuff: After the insanity early this month my moods are back to being my own. I'm still on my prescription, I figured I'd follow the doctor's recommendation and give my body another month or two to adjust, if I'm still have troubles in November I'll switch to something else.
Halloween is coming up and I desperately want a big costume party, I've been invited to Andrea's out in Chugiak but I won't know many people there besides Caiti and I don't know how likely it'll be to convince Dave to come along. I wish I had a bigger house or else more social roommates - that way I could just throw a party myself. *sigh*

Gotta run to class *hugs* ~J


Sep. 11th, 2007 08:10 am
polyhorde: (Default)
Ok, last night when I was out of my mind and nothing would calm me down (told you it'd be gone by morning) I did the only thing I thought could work - I talked to Darren.
He listened to me cry and tell him 'I'm sick and tired of just living here, I want this place to be home. A place where my friends and family feel comfortable coming to visit me. I want to live where the people care about me.'
D: Oh, we don't care, huh? Is that why I'm standing here listening to you cry rather than laughing in your face and walking away? Jess, your problem is that you have an uncanny way of saying the wrong thing and at the wrong time. I don't care if you need a night with your boyfriend, hell, I'd be fine with several nights. But ask, don't tell me 'to make myself scarce'. You say the wrong thing and it just really annoys the hell out of me.
Now as for Dave, there are certain things about you two that I don't like and they aren't going away, but that's just my thing, I actually think you two are a pretty good match. But you have to understand, even though I don't want to be here underfoot I don't really have anyplace to go.
J: Well, what about friends? Can't you go hang out with them?
D: What friends? There's a reason why I'm here all the time. All I have is Zach and John as my two close friends, everyone else is acquaintances.
J: (thinks about the other Gamers, theater people, fellow employees) Well . . . then you've just gotta go out and meet people. I make friends in class or by random chance I start up a conversation with a stranger and get their number.
D: Huh, must be nice.
- - - -
So, yeah. I'm a douche, and by the feel of it a bipolar douche. There is a part of my brain that is desperately starting to worry that the crazy in my family skipped my Mom and hit me. I keep over-reacting. I have no idea why I started crying last night, no f*cking clue, even at the time I kept trying to think of reasons why, what I came up with was just long standing frustration. So who knows.
I really, really hope I'm not going crazy. In the past few months, ever since I got on my birth control I've started randomly crying a few days before my period starts. Just the once per month and even then it's very pretty tears, my face doesn't scrunch up. The first time it happened I scared Dave, the next time it got me a day off from the play.
How does that phrase go? If you think you're crazy you aren't. God I hope that's true. My grandmother is insane and has driven all of her children away from her, including the illegitimate ones. I don't want to be her, I don't want my kids to disown me and their children to think of me as "the woman who makes Mommy cry".
Please don't let me be going crazy, that would be . . . indescribably bad. ~J

Huh . . .

Aug. 21st, 2007 04:42 pm
polyhorde: (Default)
Wow. I am in an amazingly shitty mood today, literally all I want to do is curl up in my bed snuggled against some warm body (preferably my DWAP) and just conk out, or if I can't get him than my teddy bear.
I've been sniping at my mother all day and I was actually crying earlier. What the hell is wrong with me?
God I hope this is just a clash between my natural hormones and the chemical ones brought on by my birth control, cause if they aren't that means there is some bigger issue at play and that is the last f*ckin' thing I need with a new semester starting Monday and a show opening next Tuesday.
I'm burning out, I can feel it, and I have no chance of recovering until . . . Jesus, Christmas at the earliest thanks to my committing to do "Cyrano" from October until December - I don't even get my 20th birthday off. FUCK! I need a fu*king vacation god-damnit! This "weekend here or there" bullshit is slowly killing me. I need to get out of town, go somewhere with theater, history, or roller-coasters.
If there's anyone out there who can save me, I'm drowning here.


polyhorde: (Default)

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